Tell Me a Joke Funny Man Script Boondock Saints

• Connor and Murphy bickering about the rope while crawling through an air vent, which escalates into a full-on fight. And after that they are pretty giddy that it worked like it did in the movies.
  • The Russian guy, who is loudly insulting his men in Russian before Conner and Murphy burst in and kill everyone in the room, ends up on his knees speaking the Russian equivalent of "what the fuck just happened?!" before he is executed.
  • And bickering about it again on the window-washer in the sequel.
• Also "Is it dead?"
• "I killed your cat, you druggie bitch!" "But why?" "I thought it'd bring closure to our relationship."
• "SH-YUT your FAT ASS, Rayvie! I can't buy a pack of smokes without running into NINE GUYS YOU FUCKED!"
• Rocco says he'll shoot himself if his girlfriend can even remember the name of her cat.

  "Uh... Skippy. Skippy!"

  • Listen closely, you can hear the hammer clicking on an empty chamber.
• The whole scene with Smecker and his Asian boyfriend.

  Smecker: What the fuck are you doing?
  Boyfriend: I just wanted to cuddle.
  Smecker: Cuddle? What a fag.

• "Who ordered the whoopass fajitas!?"
  • "DIIIING DOOOOOONG MOTHAFUCKA, DING DOOOOONG!!!!!!"
• "Would somebody please come over here and-" "FUCK!" "Me up the-" "ASS!"
  • Afterwards, Murphy is on the floor from laughing so hard, with only his feet visible, kicking around the edge of the bar.
• The joke that Rocco tells in the first movie.

  "A black guy..." "—NIGGER!" "Y-yeah, that's what I said."

• The entirety of the brothers' hit against the Chinese heroin dealers.

  Connor: That's heroin.
  Murphy: [pause] How the fuck would you know?
  Connor: Fuck you, I know shit!

• The scene in the strip club in the first film, especially Rocco's "tit thing."

  Connor: What the fuck are you doing?
  Rocco: (puts his hands up) I'll tip her!

  • In a Freeze-Frame Bonus when the cops are investigating the club, we see he actually did leave her some extra cash.
• Connor and Murphy messing with "Jaffar" on his first big job.

  "That's nine bodies, genius! What were you gonna do, laugh the last three to death, funny man?"

• The brothers giving Rocco shit for his improvised ski mask making him look like Mushmouth from Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids (they were actually thinking of Dumb Donald, but that's neither here nor there):

  "Now Roc, are ya sure... that you're O-bee Kay-bee?"

• Paul Smecker at one point in the film suggests, "This could be the start of the first international mob war." A few minutes later, his brilliant little theory is proven wrong.
  • Well, it's actually right, as Papa Joe did order a hit on the Russian boss, but the Boys are a wild card nobody saw coming.
• Shortly after Smecker has gone into a confessional (while drunk), Rocco has followed him in with intent to kill despite the McManus brothers' wishes. He holds the priest in the confessional at gunpoint. This is the last straw—Connor reaches through the other confessional and holds Rocco at gunpoint so that the priest doesn't get hurt. Meanwhile this exchange between Smecker and the priest occurs:

  Priest: (still concerned for his life) Would they ever harm an innocent person for any reason?
  Smecker: No, they would never do that—well, the two Irish guys wouldn't. The Italian guy, he might. He's kind of an idiot.
  Whereupon Rocco proceeds to agree with Smecker, in an effect to sound intimidating.

• The deleted scene from the first movie where Connor and Murphy get a call from their mother.
• The "upgrade" scene, in particular the boys arguing about the necessity of rope.
• During the investigation of the firefight with Il Duce:
• Most of the time Greenly opens his mouth in general, it's gonna be funny.
• Smecker often orders Greenly to get him coffee, though we never see Greenly go to get the coffee. However, Smecker always ends up holding a fresh cup the next scene we see him in.

  Greenly: I ain't gettin' him no fuckin bagel!
  Later
  Smecker: We'll start the ass-kissin' with you! [Jabs thumb over his shoulder at Greenly]

  • In the sequel, Greenly meets Special Agent Bloom. Instantly, he starts trying to get into her pants.
    • Something she takes full advantage of.
• In the second movie, when Romeo meets Doc:

  Doc: Nice to meet you, lad. They call me—FUCK! ASS!
  Romeo: How ya doin', fuckass? I'm Romeo.

• Connor is a veritable gold mine for this entry

  "STAY GOLD, PONY BOY!"
  "Oops! Busy signal. Looks like we'll have to calleth back!"
  "SHUT UP! Romeo's crying!"

• "I'm strangely comfortable with it."
• ...That certainly illustrates the diversity of the word!
  • If you don't want to watch that clip, it's Rocco delivering what would become the page quote for Cluster F-Bomb, after seeing the leaders of The Mafiya lying dead all over the place.
• "YOU INSIGNIFCUNT!!!"
• Why don't you make like a tree... AND GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE?

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Source: https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Funny/TheBoondockSaints

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